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Went out with ex last night. Sat next to each other, shared a meal, got drunk, went home and didn't have sex. Just like being married again. 
There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.
There's no statement as powerful as a man crying. I guess I should stop hitting him.
I read an article about women being over thinkers. I've thought about it for a week. I definitely don't fall under that category.
If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Why are all the best stress relievers illegal? A little bit of murder would work wonders right now.
I'll pretend to find you funny if you pretend to like me.
I can't believe you're mad that I put a baby in you while you were sleeping. You obviously don't appreciate the degree of difficulty.
My boss just called me an a$$hole and said I never listen. I have no idea why, I made his coffee with two teaspoons of salt like he asked.
I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.
The Human Brain is remarkable. It is the worlds most intelligent and advanced biological creation. The peak of human evolution. Then occasionally it forgets all that, like just now, when I went to scratch my eye and punched myself in the face instead.
My doctor told me to take more walks, so this will be my fifth cakewalk this week. I've gained seven pounds.
I'm fairly patient. I can wait 5 seconds for you to respond to my text.
Can you add sexual favors to an Amazon wish list?
I'm high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?
I get jealous when my stalker stalks some one else!
Apparently being a "Kid at heart" isn't a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding :(
I only have one sexual preference and that's as often as possible please.
Denial (n.) Balding men with ponytails.
No we are not on different wavelengths. Don't blame physics when you're stupid.
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