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All women are crazy, but it takes just one a$$hole to bring it out 
When I am in love, I'm like a bird soaring through the sky straight into a window.
"I only cheated on you with girls" is the most beautiful thing a woman has ever said to me.
an iOS6 user walks into a bar...or a bank...or a river...they're not sure, really !
It was the busta rhymes,,, It was the wursta rhymes
The first rule of iPhone 5 club is you tell everyone about iPhone 5 club.
My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.
I hate how many French people play Call of Duty 4, you usually get 'host ended game' before any bullets have been fired.
Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
I got so frustrated watching my wife play Kinect sports earlier that I smashed the controller against the wall.
Not sure how I feel about this potential BACON shortage...Save The Squeals.
bacon shortage?? Well played vegatarians, well played...
Me: Tell me about yourself. Her: Well, I love to laugh! Me: Wow, how unique! Next…
It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorit celeb.
"Vigorous sex can give you temporary amnesia." To be honest, sex with me is pretty forgettable anyway...
These replacement refs are so bad that in a taste test between Coke and Pepsi, they picked Sprite.
I'm not saying I'm tired but I did just try to unlock a door with my wallet.
Today I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble until they kick me out for vandalizing books again. Come say hello!
People say "when your palm itches, you are going to receive money". My butt itches... I bet I don't get SH*T¡
Apparently the NFL replacement Refs now work as tape-delay guys at Fox News....
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