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Somewhere out there is a legitimate Nigerian Prince crying into a huge pile of cash. 
Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?
I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.
Tonight I saw a man pull the stick from his corn dog and eat it without the stick. It was me. I did that. I am capable of anything.
That wonderful feeling when your anus itches and your fart vibrates just enough to satisfy the itch...
I hope the woman of my dreams delivers pizza, otherwise I'm never gonna meet her
My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.
No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer from years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.
I've come up with a new chapstick that helps fat people lose weight. I call it "Superglue."
"Your Only Fools and Horses addiction is ruining my life," shouted my wife, "I want you out of this house right now!""Ok," I replied, "I'll fetch the suitcase from the van."
I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.
Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too
Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".
Honey the only reason I'll ever kick you out if bed is to Feck you in the floor.
Your third grade spelling is what really made me laugh!
**News Flash** The real NFL refs will be back on the field tonight for the Browns/Ravens game. In other news, Footlocker hired a bunch of people and are now fully staffed again.
An Alligator bit off an 81 year old women's arm in Florida, I guess 81years without getting your arm bitten off is a pretty good effort...
As soon as the regular officials screw up a call, we will be booing them. I wish we paid am much attention to the presidential election as we did the nfl refs.
If people hate you for no reason, give them one.
If my girlfriend falls on the floor, does the 3 second rule still apply?
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