Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   On the advice of my attorney, I plead the 5th on EXACTLY what I did for a Klondike Bar.

   The person that thinks they're always right is the one person you want to be always wrong

   Marriage, or as I like to call it...grim death!

   the best way to end up divorced...get married.

   wasn't Fellatio one of the Three Musketeers?

   I know its early, but I wanna sneak off to the bar

   I'm so good in bed...I'll make you forget your safe word.

   You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.

   My signature move has been foiled by carpal tunnel and tennis elbow.

   In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it

   that if I'm n line I don't climb up the person's ass in front of me. Relax. It's a line you impatient pricks.

   RIP Andy Williams. Cross the pearly gates in style...

   The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.

   When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.

   The mullet is just a helmet for domestic violence.

   In order to raise awareness of Alzheimer's Disease, I will be randomly deleting people from my facebook.

   You haven't seen rage until you've witnessed a woman rip another woman's wig off.

   Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?

   I put the you in murder!

   You can make a lot of friends with a prescription pad.