Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dear Ladies, If he calls you at 3:00AM…no offense, but you probably weren't first on the list.

   they're 3 kinds of people in this world. Those that are good with math, an those who aren't.

   I'm an overachiever when it comes to underachieving in life.

   Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right

   I texted my wife, "Where's my super woman?" She texted back, "That's so sweet x" I replied. "I meant, Where's my supper woman." Stupid predictive text.

   Don't you wish your stalker was hot like me? Don't you wish your stalker was far like me? Don't you?

   A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer...

   Unsure what love is, but my ex girlfriend thought going through my phone had something to do with it.

   My wife does this cute thing where she sprays a mist of perfume in the air and runs through it and gets tripped by my foot and reports DV.

   Excuse me guys, is cocaine healthy if it's in a salad with low fat dressing?

   BREAKING: Sarah Jessica Parker has posed nude for Playboy - Millions of erections are feared dead.

   Its hard to soar like an eagle when ur running around with turkeys

   dear State Farm, the only thing worse than your commercials is your insurance...

   wqhen the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie....you're a clumsy astronaut

   The side effects of the medicine I just took include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.

   X is I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   Yay! I can now afford the iPhone 4!

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.