Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This morning I was standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.

   If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

   BREAKING: Lady Gaga gains weight, decides to release new single "Porker Face".

   got the best Halloween costume for his P@nis: Tube Sock Shakur.

   They should just create a channel called "Trash TV" & put all of the trashy shows on it. Their slogan can be "We'll rot your brain." Putting trashy shows on TLC & MTV gives a false sense of security.

   I wish I could afford an Iphone5 like that girl in front of me in line on food stamps

   Kids you think you'll never use math, then the next thing you know you're trying to work out percentages in alcoholic beverages.

   Screw milkshakes, vodka and weed are the reason why I am in your yard.

   I see your wallet. And I raise my prices.

   I'm only guilty of flirtation. If that's a crime frisk me.

   Look, I can only be responsible for understanding my portion of the conversation.

   There's no business like minding your own business

   If you see one of those people on the street swearing & muttering to themselves be nice, it's probably me trying to remember my passwords.

   I'm the kind of dirty you can't wash off.

   I thought the new iPhone was supposed to repair my self esteem issues.

   Blood makes you related but loyalty makes you family

   Masturbation - When you want a job done right you've got to do it yourself.

   What do you mean the stun gun was not foreplay?

   Prius = douchebags gone wild