Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.

   A fun way to freak out a friend who's engaged is to suddenly take her fiancé's last name & then tag yourself in all of her Facebook photos.

   BLOW JOB!!!!!!! BLOW JOB!!!!!!!!! Now that I have your attention does anyone know the universal remote code for a Samsung flat screen?

   I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

   there is no strong beer, only weak men

   I can explain the State of America in three words " Honey Boo Boo "

   got a free iPad and iPhone today. It's like this gun is magic.

   We've all met a child that makes us realize 'child abuse' began for a reason..

   I am inventing a new language, "Mikeaneese". If you would like, I could perhapsibly give you a free copy

   If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.

   it wrong to hate a certain race?.... I don't mind doing the 100m but the 5k is hard... I really don't like it.

   the new apple map is totally futuristic, its like what the world is gonna look like after 2012 apocalypse.

   My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS...Its not!..It's about crabs.

   Not sure if "swag/yolo" finally died off, or something worse is coming

   There's no 'i' in team.... Unless it's a team of Apple lawyers.

   what's the difference between a bachelor and a husband? a bachelor comes home, sees what is in the fridge, then goes to bed. a husband comes home, sees what is in the bed, then goes to the fridge.

   I'm so horny, I could THINK off ...

   I'd rather be trapped under a train than to listen to a song by Train.

   never volunteer to demonstrate anything

   every girl is like a master lock, if you use the right combination of attention, flattery, and vodka-cranberry her legs spring wide open whether she wants them to or not.