Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It pisses me off when a woman takes up space with her stroller on the bus. I mean, where am I supposed to put my mountain bike?

   I have a bad case of the mondays only it's everyday and it's called existence.

   "Morning sex" is more efficient than coffee when trying to wake up and stay awake throughout the day

   When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head.

   The perfect woman: 1. Beautiful but doesn't let it get to her head. 2. Intelligent without needing to prove it. 3. Funny as hell.

   Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...

   I'm not the jealous type. And no I don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

   I bet people who still wear watches are also the same people who still call radio stations requesting songs.

   I use the iPhone technique to keep a woman- I tell her I've grown, I've changed & that I'm 2x better. It changes everything.

   Being single at this time is not based on my wanting freedom to do what I want....It's more due to the fact that I want the freedom to not have to do what someone else wants.

   Just got my name of the list for the new iPhone 6 due out next month..

   "Whats the fastest way to make a woman pick cotton?" "Set the string on fire!"

   Heck with the 7 Dwarfs, I have: "Not me"; "Don't know"; "Wasn't Home"; "Not Mine"; "Didn't use it last"; "Haven't Seen it" & "I'm Not Doing It!" living with me

   I would much rather answer silly questions than try to fix stupid mistakes.

   The moment you understand the value of life, is the moment you die.

   I have a step ladder never knew my real ladder....

   Nicki Minaj judging singers on "American Idol" makes about as much sense as Mitt Romney judging a drag queen contest in West Hollywood.

   Women, will you PLEASE tell your breasts to stop staring at my Eyes!? It's very offputting! How Rude!

   only dogs go for bones, Real men go for curves.

   Be nice to your stalker. They just want to be loved...