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I have no idea how to get off the internet... 
I once peed a girl's name in the snow, so don't tell me I don't know romance.
I'm taking my kids to see their mother today. Actually, we're going to feed some ducks but I'm sure her rotting body is still in that pond.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
If your religion is worth killing for, then do us all a favour and start with yourself.
Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself ……………………………………………from negative $hit.
Just got fired from my part time job working from home because "Apparently" when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Whenever I see a guy in jean shorts I feel sad that he has nobody in his life to say, "You really shouldn't wear those."
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own ass.
those who think printing koran on toilet paper is good better would be to print bible as there are more followers
Pretty bummed the iPhone 5 still comes with the phone feature.
The balance of power in our relationship really shifted when he found out how much I enjoy sucking c ock :(
My daughter is bragging about the blood puddle she left in the grass at rugby. How's your Bieber-haired, skinny jeaned son doing?
Overheard a guy say "Dis hoe jus said she ain't feelin me, Imma keep holla doe", which I think translates to "I make minimum wage"
I'm not crazy, but I was once abducted by aliens. They interrogated me. I didn't understand anything. I don't speak Spanish
I like to high-five after sex because cuddling with strangers is weird.
I think it's time for a new Gordon Ramsey cooking show called "Microwave Meals From Hell!"
I just want a woman who is swooned by me spelling "hippopotamus" correctly.
Marriage Tip: Try not to leave a footprint on your spouse's ass as they get out of the car when you drop them at the airport.
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