Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A thief broke into my house last night.... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

   I love looking up at a guy when I'm giving him head. Once we lock eyes, and I smile, I own your ass.

   I can't even pronounce my safe word.

   Asleep, it's what my wife is while I am having sex.

   My wife wants me to teach her about Facebook. The first lesson is easy. You send me a friend request, I accept and immediately delete and block you and we all live happily ever after.

   I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!

   We scream at each other, we don't have sex and I'm always in trouble for the crap I didn't do. This isn't a friendship. .This is a marriage!

   This whisky tastes like memories. Bitter memories.

   I would definitely arch my back for you.

   After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c unt.

   I'll be the sinner if you be the sin.

   With their elegance and confidence women truly are beautiful creatures...and if the opportunity was right I'd bang every single one of them.

   Doing a self breast exam. All I'm getting is a hard nipple. So I'm good right?

   I was wrapped so tight in my sleeping bag I turned into a butterfly.

   Spending quality time with the people that really matter reminds me of who I am and recharges my love, hope and drive. I'm forever grateful.

   I was proud of myself. I made it to 5 minutes into the p0rn video before I finished.... then I remembered that I fast forwarded to 4 minutes in.

   my wife told me to dress nice. I laughed and said "we are going to walmart not church."

   Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason...

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.

   Sometimes I want to linger in your mouth like an expensive liquor and sometimes I want you to slam me down like a cheap shot.