Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.

   Over time you start noticing that some people just aren't worth it anymore.

   If I text you all like.. "heyy :)" and you reply with "hi", I'm done taking to you..

   How to kill a Spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

   It's not good music unless your parents AND your kids hate it

   I think we should replace the Marriage vow "`Til death do we part" with "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

   Ask your wife if she's done talking,,,, and you've just GUARANTEED she's not..... Ask me how I know,,,,

   The company that made the Tupac hologram is filing for bankruptcy. The announcement was made by a company spokesperson — Elvis Presley.

   The president of Pepsi announced that he is leaving the company after less than a year on the job. The company isn't sure but they think he might have a Coke problem.

   ..... WOW ..... I just found my pet rock my father gave me back in the 70's ...... Amazingly enough it was STILL ALIVE!!!

   I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.

   Quick question: does anyone know if the “five second rule” also applies to liquids?

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting to get laid.

   The best conversations happen late at night.

   It's not "honey boo boo" it's "honey moo moo" it's fat got some mad cow disease so let's take it out back and kill it!

   I found this muslim website where you can download the koran for free. If anybody wants, let me know, I can burn a copy for you.

   In case any ladies are interested, I just finished cleaning the dishes.

   Ladies; He may need a soft place to land when he falls, but it helps if that soft place is also tight and wet.

   I shall judge you based upon my personal demons against an unattainable standard while belittling you for not living up to my expectations.

   Those Cialis dudes get turned on when they see really bad acting