Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you're male and you own a chihuahua, I have some important news for you: The armed forces now accept hom0sexuals, unconditionally.

   The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn't know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.

   Me: Glad, I am very happy today. Life: lol!! one second :P

   Was not impressed by iPhone 5 which just made me realize how important Steve Job was to Apple No thanks I am quite content with my 4s

   Samsung S3 is way much better id rather eat the Apple

   How about at least a little wave to thank me for not killing you, pedestrians?!

   Please FFS I have no interest in knowing what your tattoo means.

   I just tell ugly girls I have a paper bag fetish.

   It's probably tough being black these days, having to memorize all those handshakes

   Okay I'll stop. But I'm not going to collaborate or listen.

   If I do it doggy style I get to multiply every minute I last by ten, right guys?

   This waitress just told me she was an actress. Based on her horrid impersonation of a waitress, it's not surprising she's still a waitress

   I always make sure to pee on myself in the bathtub just incase I get stung by a jellyfish

   Sometimes I watch videos of guys jerking off to compare techniques.

   I'm getting sick of these p orn sites listing my videos as "amateur".

   And Jesus said unto the woman, "Your face alone shall be used as birth control." - Luke 4:14

   This bourbon needs more cocaine

   I want a decent man who chokes me just enough in bed that both excites and worries me all at the same time.

   I just saw Snooki! Wait...nevermind. It was just a trash can.

   throwing dollars at over weight strippers is my version of cow tipping