Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

   I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

   you can learn alot from health Channel news. Just found out teens are now smoking nutmeg spice, potpouri, and incense as a subtitute for weed. Wondering if there's a business opportunity here....

   Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipsh*t" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry?

   You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise.

   Alchohol: Because you have never heard a great story start with, "I once ate this salad..."

   If there's any indication of my laziness... just ask the dime in my wash machine, that used to be a quarter.

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.

   Gee! There's a string in there!!!..... and thus a new style of underwear was named....

   I won't laugh in the face of danger but I will stick my my tongue out at the back of it's head...

   Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   dressed up as the Grim Reaper and gone back and forth through the emergency room.

   Sometimes wish that I was a kitchen, then maybe women would understand me.

   Scientists discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 95% . . . wedding cake-

   "I wish Ted would just tell his poor kids how he met they're mother!!!"

   To connect with Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and end up slipping on it.

   If you don't hump Christina Ricci today, then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   If you allow your children to run around a restaurant unattended, and I am in that restaurant, I will teach them curse words and racial slurs.

   My ideal job would be "Guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks."