Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   seen the calvin klein underware ad on youtube, haven't skipped ad in days. Well played YouTube, well played.

   I'd rather lose an eye than show an old person how to use a computer.

   I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.

   Listen lady, if you stop screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   You don't know fear until you hear someone cough underneath your bed.

   FYI: We'll stop blaming Bush when you stop running on Bush's ideas!

   GOP strategy last 3 years: Filibuster everything to prevent the economy from recovering, wait for 2012, then ask why the economy is bad.

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.

   If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   It's like my Fantasy Football players aren't listening to a single word of the speech I gave to my TV.

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.

   Air Freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just taken a sh*t...

   I had to leave my new girlfriend. She was just going through too much stuff at the time. Mainly my phone and my wallet.

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.

   What has the world come too? I over heard some people talking. A 15 yr old girl said "I'm pregnant" and I think it was her aunt who said "Congratulations". Are you serious? Congrats? How about you just ruined your life, you dumbass wh0re

   Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.