Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home", I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors.

   Guys with unibrows, you may think it's unmanly to pluck that sh!t, but it's far more unmanly to never get laid.

   "Hey baby, do you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."

   I have over 500 FB friends but only 6 actual friends. And, I don't even like 2 of them…

   Anyone that uses the word yolo I hope gets aid and herpes and dies a slow painful death

   After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...

   My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.

   Alcohol. Because no good story starts with, “This one time I ate a salad…”

   I got 99 problems but an awesome right hand ain't one of them...

   Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem…

   I guess being a rich candidate became an issue sometime after the Kerry/Edwards campaign…

   Today is one of the few days of the year I can pretend to be a Kardashian (do nothing and get paid for it).

   RIP-Michael Clark Duncan. You've walked the last "Green mile".

   So I won a contest. The prize was a year supply of calenders.

   getting tired of waiting for Snow to follow up Informer

   It would be funny if in the last episode of How I Met Your Mother, Old Ted tells his kids "I'm just kidding, I never met your mother. You're adopted.

   People posting... "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   If I had a nickel for every time I banged your mom I could afford to bang her again today.

   Facebook: Making relationship's look better then they actually are since 2005

   My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box.