Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.

   Back in my day we didn't have all these types of birth control. We only had "OH HELL NO!" And we used it.

   My EX sent me a text today saying "Happy Anniversary" I replied, best one yet.

   People tweeting............ "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   People don't love you just for who you are, but how you make them feel.

   Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.

   Fast food restaurants are being forced to do away with their "Play Places" because it has become too expensive to employ the army of Structural Engineers required to keep up with the skyrocketing weight of today's children.

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   I hate females like this: "I'ma slap that b*tch when I see her, she got me f*cked up!" *girl walks past.* "She lucky she ain't look my way."

   Are you there God? It's me, chocolate... They keep putting me on raisins..... I KNOW,,,It's weird huh?

   Stop complaining about your relationship if you're gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..

   I've been disappointed so many times, not giving a crap is almost a reflex

   Hey girl, how about you dont tell me how much beer I should drink, and I wont tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   I heard the new NBA 2K13 is so real that when Kobe gets the ball, the pass button just stops working.

   When I kill a spider, I don't clean it up, I leave it there so the rest of the spiders know not to mess with me.

   When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.

   Gin makes you Sin. And it's also an easier word to rhyme than vodka or bourbon.

   Be thankful.....in dog years, you're dead.

   How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

   Would a novel about an ethnically diverse community of slightly more than 4 dozen people devoted to alternative sexual lifestyles be titled "50 Shades of Gay?"