Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Anger occasionally makes me have a sh!tty day. Love occasionally makes me have a sh!tty 3 years.

   I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

   If your significant other doesn't know every last bit disgusting detail about what a gross human being you are then they don't know you that well.

   If someone throws a stone at you, be nice and throw a flower at them........ but remember to throw the flower pot with it!!!!!!!

   somewhere two dudes just ordered mochas from Starbucks and are calling them "brochas" and high fiving

   After Labor Day, it's no longer fashionable to wear white, so I'm spending today in a $12,000 Vera Wang Wedding Gown.

   I think I must be a closet obama lover because... My girl says I can never do anything right.

   You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.

   Holly Christ!! I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

   I like to name my bottles of wine. That one is Happiness... that one is Horniness... and that one is Empty.

   I was so happy when I lost my virginity cause I was no longer eligible to be in any of those sacrifices I signed up for as a dare.

   If your spouse ever asks you what you think your marriage needs, "more cowbell" isn't the right answer.

   My wife is so hot, I really hope I get to have sex with her someday

   I got a Justin Bieber song stuck in my head and now I'm a lesbian

   The best part of marriage is divorce.

   Hey girly, how about you don't tell me how much beer I should drink, & I won't tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   Whats with this SONG POP thing everyone is doing and what does it taste like???

   Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them you idiot.

   Today I saw a guy on a motorbike wipe out. Thank goodness I was there... or I wouldn't have been able to steal his wallet.