Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I think I'm emotionally constipated, cause I haven't given a sh!t in days.

   Women are the only people who can go out broke and come home drunk.

   I don't like the cut of your gib and ya got no mojo!

   To be honest, I really don't give a damn. I lose friends, I make friends, and I make enemies everyday. Regardless, I'm still going to be me.

   My wife must like it doggie style. Every time I mention sex she hides under the bed…

   Mexican word of the day "wheelchair": Juan and I only have one taco, but is ok, wheelchair.

   I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

   What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?

   great day!!! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!!!

   Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? "It's open."

   Taco Bell at 3 in the morning = runny doo doo at 9 in the morning

   I like my steak like I like my p*s$y, juicy with a warm pink center

   You never really forgive the friend who tricked you into watching "2 Girls 1 Cup".

   If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.

   We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.

   All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.

   A mosh pit at a Star Wars concert is basically just nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.

   I found a few ways to use feminism to my own benefit -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.

   Think a female friend has downgraded me from the 'Friend Zone' to the 'That-Guy-I-Used-to-Tell-My-Problems-to-When-I-Needed-Attention Area'

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm going to blast Michael Jackson's "Thriller", while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.