Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   On your GPS you have options such as "AVOID TOLLS" or "AVOID HIGHWAYS"..... they REALLY need to add "AVOID GHETTO"....

   I was going to post a status about pizza but it was too cheezy

   I bet koala farts smell like cough drops.

   If you want to drink all day, you've got to start in the morning.

   Booze may be a man's worst enemy… but only a coward runs from his enemy.

   Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write to people and pray they cash them at the teller just to make things interesting...

   These teens moms, calling themselves a mother because they gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"...this walmart sucks!

   A girl told me today "a lot of guys want me" I told her " that doesn't surprise me, keep in mind honey that cheap things usually attract many customers"

   According to my employee handbook I am only required to show up sober. There is nothing saying I can't start drinking once I get here...take that HR lady

   I'm surprised more workplace violence isn't motivated by the vending machine's refusal to accept a dollar bill.

   My girlfriend has been trying out her new schoolgirl outfit I brought her earlier today. Which is a shame........Can't believe she's back to school on Monday already.

   Phoned up my neighbour this morning to tell him that his Pekingese made a big mess in my front yard. Also, that he owes me a new lawn mower blade.

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. B00bs are a great example of this.

   I told the wife earlier that I wanted a sex change. From no sex, to actually having some.

   What's the diffence between my wife and our dog? You have to command the dog to 'play dead'. The wife automatically does it when she hears stairs creaking.

   I'm not saying my ex was frigid, but to put it in computer terms, I would call her a "pop-up blocker"

   I was having s3x with my wife and stopped and asked, "Did I hurt you?" "No. Why do you think you hurt me?" "Because you moved."

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

   I noticed my wife slip a box of headache tablets into her handbag before she left the house this morning. At least I know she's not cheating on me.