Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   By the volume of the pans clanging amd slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something

   I love a woman that can shoot a gun, but I fear a woman with good aim.

   Roses are red.... Violets are blue... I waited till the last second, and Hallmark was closed... So are you still mad at me or what?

   Whoa dude! You take me to levels even I didn't know existed.. Kudos to my favorite customer! Sincerely, Your Embarrassment.

   I'm NOT falling for the candy in your pocket trick. Again. Unless you say it's chocolate.

   I don't "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.

   I just figured out my taxes & I have to pay.. But I have to do my part.. Otherwise some guy who paid no taxes in the 1st place wouldn't get a refund.

   When Karma come back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there.... Just incase it needs help!

   I hate when I ask my wife 'Am I looking Handsome?' and she remembers a joke which she heard earlier and laugh way too hard to even answer me

   The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels

   I'm actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.

   early predictions have hurricane Isaac causing $50 million in improvements to New Orleans...

   People's Bull$hit and fakeness are the main reasons why I like to be alone at times!!!

   If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton on the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity

   When is decency going to be cool again?

   I hate it when I buy a bag of air and there are chips in it.

   Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor said, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well", I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic"

   On the battlefield of life, my weapon of choice is intelligence.