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Has anyone noticed that there aren't many play-places at fast food restaurants anymore? Probably because none of those kids chowing down on burgers and fries can fit through the tunnels. 
Anyone ever worry about summoning a demon by unknowingly drawing a mystic symbol with their Toaster Strudel icing?
Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head!
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know your high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got the f#ck out of there.
My parents are great people, except when they invite their crazy relatives
This dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.
If they'd only let him keep his Tour de France titles, Neil Armstrong would still be with us today.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be Hell toupee.
•You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
The man, whos 1 step was a giant leap for mankind has died. RIP Neil Armstrong.
First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong.I see god is no fan of moon-walkers.
Don't you love when you put a load in the dishwasher and it swallows?
If bad things happen in threes I'd hate to be Billie Joe Armstrong today.
I'm really looking forward to the hurricane coverage to see which news reporter falls flat on their face from the wind...Ahhh, watching them fall never gets old!
Love you ALL!!! Yes even you, you twisted little duck lipped 18 year old friend of my daughter...
If I could do it all over again. I would have kids and raise them in an Amish Community and make them believe that it is the year 1693. Then when they are 16, I'm going to tell them I've invented a 'Time Machine', and I will send them into the 'future'
A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman...but a beautiful woman with a brain is a lethal combo.
Every time I fart in my office, it's always 2 seconds before someone decides to walk in.
Drunk Logic: "she's only ugly in the face."
Yellow, Orange, Red. Gatorade has colors, not flavors.
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