Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Hit me with your best shot... of tequila.

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

   <--heading to Wal-Mart and counting camel-toes!!!

   I have something I want to put in your suggestion box.

   If you want somebody, just tell them. The only games you should play with people are strip poker and naked Twister.

   I'm the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

   I don't think my newly divorced middle aged co-worker appreciates all the Cat adoption websites I keep emailing to her.

   My relationship advice is if you're not single you deserve it.

   I'm a card carrying member of Card Carriers. I'd show you my card but my hands are full of cards.

   Across this country right now, college marching bands are practicing call me maybe in time for the kickoff of college football.

   Sitting at a crossroad, strange I don't see Bones, Thug or Harmony

   The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a phone call from the wife.

   Dance like nodody's watching, love like no one can give the authorities a helpful description, stalk like there's no restraining order.

   "I would rather have my balls repetitively stomped on by a woman wearing high heels" -My response to a "Hanson" concert invite-

   The person who truly sees will marvel at everyday things.

   Might love you quicker if you bring me more Liquor.

   My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.

   Whenever I silently fart, around my girlfriend, I say "Do you smell blueberry muffins?" so that she takes a few big whiffs and passes out.

   I love myself because I don't have enough money to make other people do it.

   Nicki Minaj looks like the type of person who would just squat & take a sh!t in the middle of a busy street, not wipe, & keep on walking.