Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   why are they called bag ladies, they always have carts

   All my friends are getting jobs, engaged, or married. I'm just getting more awesome.

   Cool things always happen when I don't have a camera.

   Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.

   I liked my mirror from 10 years ago much better than the one I have now...

   thanks dad, for filling my inbox up with fwd e-mails...

   Guys are always saying they get their woman to make them a sandwich right after sex. If she can walk straight after having sex, you're doing it wrong! Go make your own damn sandwich!

   I post sunsets and call them sunrises just so my friends don't know I sleep till Noon...

   Pot is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.

   My new girlfriend has a multiple personality disorder. I think it's great!. It's like being with a different girl every time we have sex. Except for the one time... she turned into Dave the construction worker.

   If you see a woman drinking Coors immediately ask her on a date cause she'll swallow anything.

   If someone hates you for no reason, give that idiot a reason.

   In case you guys are wondering how screwed up my brain is... I saw a little girl at the store throwing her teddy bear up in the air saying, "he likes to get high" and all I could think was "don't we all sweetie."

   Am I the only one who thinks of those padded toilet seats when someone says, "more cushion for the pushin?"

   Hey people that are jog, if you really wanna sell me on this jogging thing, you are gonna have to stop making those faces that make it look like it sucks.

   my therapist said I have multiple personalities and rage issues so we hit him...

   Time to diet. Went to the neighborhood pool today and all the women dressed me with their eyes...

   Siri is like an Ex. She was great once but now I'm repeating myself and she never listens to me, and by the end of the conversation I'm yelling.

   I consider myself to be a "political atheist" because I don't believe anything politicians say.

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.