Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   She's teaching me wine appreciation which is cool, but I'd really appreciate a bigger glass.

   The beauty of Google is that you can stop annoying people with your stupid questions.

   Whenever a woman calls me "dude" I immediately assume she is a lesbian.

   Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.

   Having sex is easy. Getting the girl to not call the cops is the real challenge.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get, your already hard to want.....

   There are two types of girls; girls who are fat and girls who think they are fat.

   When I hear a girl speak German, I automatically think she's a lesbian

   A perfect day is everyday I'm spending my life without you.

   You're the only thing that doesn't make sense in my life.

   How do you say, 'I don't want to go out with you because I have a mad crush on someone that lives in my phone' without sounding crazy?

   I just had sober sex. That was horrifying

   I will no longer need your services REAL LIFE...I Now have MineCraft!

   I'm always surprised how quickly "you're so funny" turns into "everything is a joke to you." (usually about 3 months)

   Relax! It's a midget, not a child - Me, showing my favourite home made p0rno to my new girlfriend.

   I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

   Here's a shout out to all my friends that like shout outs!

   My aunt, a widow, who had 18 kids just died. At the service, the preacher said, "They're finally together." He didn't mean her husband, he meant her legs.

   All status updates posted on my wall are purely fictional any resemblance to actual people, places or events is purely coincidental.

   All through their lives while raising my kids, I consistently told them that when they grow up they should “do what you love.” I probably should have also mentioned that they should run like hell as soon as they heard the sirens.