Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice, but it's still a choice.

   Actually,,, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

   HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......

   "Don't you play stupid with me!" shouted my wife. "Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?" I replied.

   There's a squirrel on my roof,,, or this new blood pressure medicine is too strong...

   They are making a new pirates of the carribean. It's called "Pirates of the Carribean - Curse of We Still Don't Know What the Hell This Movie Is About"

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.

   I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.

   I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   If you come to my front door with a clip board I will just ask you if your clip board is an ipad until you leave.

   Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.

   has anyone noticed how the sun makes ones hair colour lighter but skin colour darker?!?

   I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.

   3. That's how many times you have to ask someone if they're grumpy before they get grumpy.

   My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication.

   I'd give you a compliment but you'd just tell me how fat you think you are.

   This rapper Pitbull says he was built for the war but I don't think he means active service, he's a soldier like Beyonce.

   Yeah he is soldier built for the COKE VS PEPSI war.