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This one time, in 2009, I put my phone down for almost 8 minutes. 
I had a dream about a planet run by orphans who sing a song filled with unintelligible lyrics and had authority figures with voices that blared like brass. Then I woke up and A Charlie Brown Christmas was on.
Where do residents of Hawaii win all expenses paid vacations to?
I have done literally nothing in my life to prevent forest fires.
It's great that they're searching for Amelia Earhart again,, But I think we've got to brace these people,, there's a good chace she's not alive
Nothing quite like a good episode of COPS to make you feel better about yourself.
Your as useless as a snow blower in August!!
Some women say that giving birth is the single most painful experience one could ever endure.... I just going to assume they have never stepped on a lego in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom.
Slut? Weeeeell, let's just say she's had more d1ck ends than weekends.
I've seen squirrels having seizures with more brains than you
my mother always told me , believe none of what yah hear, and only half of what yah see
Girls are so cute when they think that those fake eye lashes don't make them look like complete idiots
What do you get if you cross a dog, a mini skirt & crotchless pants? I know I'd get an erection & it's a safe bet the dog's getting it too.
Body Shots: There's a slut for that.
Girls who don't want to go out with me have either read my jokes or have looked at me.
When I say I love you, I do it with the same amount of sincerity with which a celebrity claims he loves all his fans. Zero.
Two things: 1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way. 2. Just kidding.
I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.
It's really not THAT crazy, you're just giving him your number
She lost her virginity in a high-stakes game of Just the Tip.
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