Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My empty fridge just whispered, "When's Payday?"

   Guys; You know you need to lose weight when your girlfriend is always wanting to suck on your titties.

   Ecuador gave Julian Assange asylum because they're afraid he'll tell everyone which countries they think are cute.

   You get into alotta trouble living with a lazy eye, cause no matter how you look at someone, it's always the wrong way.

   Everyone knows MC Hammer pants were designed for shoplifting.

   I perform my best sexually at gunpoint.

   It is not like I was a productive person before Facebook anyway

   Dear people that celebrate whenever they acquire a new "hater", add ME to the list.

   Never tell a lady you wanna have sex with her mouth. Ask NICELY. "May you show me what your mouth can do?" Be a damn gentleman for once!

   What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend.

   I was gonna tell my wife she sucks for not giving me an@l but then I realized she doesn't do that either.

   I don't hate you, because even hating you would be a waste of my emotions.

   whenever my nephew says i'm his girlfriend I tell him just because we're from oklahoma doesn't mean we have to play the part.

   That pervert watched me and my girlfriend have sex! Man I hate Spiders!

   Even though I can't fix stupid, maybe this duct tape will keep it from getting worse.

   Sex might satisfy, food might fuel, love might sustain, but without booze, what is the point?

   We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

   MAN: "Hi. I'm Bond.....James Bond. What's your name?" WOMAN: "Off.....Fu¢k Off."

   _ I'll bet if it ever really rained cats and dogs, Bob Barker would be pissed because who's gonna neuter them all?

   Oooooh, It's SHARK week and NOT "shart" week...embarrassing :/