Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dear eyelashes, wish bones, dandelions, pennies in fountains, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles. YOU FAILED.

   Liam Neeson: "I will find you and I will kill you." Kid: "Dad it's just hide-n-go-seek!" Liam Neeson: "Right. Sorry."

   My most endearing quality would have to be knowing all the lyrics to Smash Mouth's "All Star"

   The only thing I'd like for you to say behind my back is "Do you like that?"

   I love when you go to get a massage and they ask you where it hurts and you start crying cause it's your entire existence.

   Trying to understand some people,,, Is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end...

   “You'd know what chocolate you get if you read the map on the inside of the box lid you Friggin Idiot!”...-My Dad watching Forrest Gump

   I have a nagging feeling that I have a girlfriend.

   Never noticed this, but, if you rearrange the letters in 'marriage' it spells 'hahahahahahahahahahahahaha'.

   I'm one restraining order away from a free restraining order.

   there proper etiquette on how long you have to wait for your wife outside of a store before declaring her dead?

   You think Zelda would be a lot more "appreciative" of Link for saving her. The boy went through like 7 dungeons & caves, at least give him the sex he deserves.

   How many Feminists does it take to finish this joke without offending anyone?

   I would kill to see Rihanna go against Tyra Banks on a head butting contest

   If I was a woman with a perfectly good v@gina and my man wanted @nal, I'd probably question his sexuality.

   My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time" so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.

   My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot.

   Wednesday... As most of you call it Hump day, I like to call it the 3rd Monday of the week.

   As if my self esteem couldn't get any lower, when I got in the shower this morning, it laughed at me.

   Phrases i'll never understand... #72 - "Those two are in cahoots." WTH is cahoots and why does it take two???