Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   Why does Cheaters need a camera crew of 600?

   I feel sorry for men who don't know how to value women. One look at a woman and I KNOW how much she will cost me.

   You never forget the first time you learned what a PROLAPSE is. Damn you, Google images.

   I heard a guy complaining how expensive his wedding is costing him. Boy, he is gonna be real pist when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost

   can't understand why Victoria's Secret incorrectly refers to these "wine-drinking, recliner pants" I'm wearing as "yoga pants."

   GOVERNMENT.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot America? (Y/N)?

   Reading some of the crap on Facebook makes me want to go watch an R rated movie just because I know whiny children won't be there.

   If I let you control the music in my car, it means I would probably take a bullet for you.

   One of my buddies on facebook "liked" the movie 8 seconds. It said on facebook that "Dave likes 8 seconds." I bet his wife doesn't.

   To avoid identity theft when I die, I want to be shredded.

   I always wonder what the weather men in Arizona do with their time slot. "Well people all week, hot and no rain!" Back to you Jim.

   Just got an X-ray at the hospital and tried to crack on to the chick doing it........she could see right through me though :(

   I think the worst part about stubbing your toe is knowing a few seconds later the pain will come.

   Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back into the ocean so he can be in his natural habitat

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills, Since I'm sleeping on the couch !!!

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills!!! Her shittz going to fly!

   On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.

   I had so many great women in my life, yet I don't know where they're at... at least that's what I told the cops ;)