Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Decaf coffee is like paying a hooker for a hug.

   Ugh I hate when I go to shoot someone with a gun and then realize I accidentally packed my hot glue gun and end up scrapbooking for hoourrrs

   Mention me in your will. Just give me a shout out or something.

   I'd be the worst 911 Operator. "Uh ma'am I think you mean he was lying in a puddle of his own blood, not laying."

   Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I'm really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school.

   As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered.

   If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."

   What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?

   .Been staring at this cardinal in my tree outside my window... If he don't get down in the next five minutes, I'm calling the f@#king church!

   ..taking into account that Iron Man and Batman's super powers are being super rich and smart, makes me really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not work-related or Mel Gibson!

   Happy birthday to Sir Mix-A-Lot! People forget how persecuted big butts were before he wrote that song.

   Commercial time. I'll just flip through and see what else is on.......1 min later....What the HelI was I just watching??????

   WOW!! What a great dream!!! I'll never forget dreaming that me and ..um..um...um...Who was it?? Well, we um, um, um, um.....Oh crap!!!! Forgot it already!!

   Mary Jane is the only woman that won't complain when you hit her.

   Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they're about to take a picture?

   Just as I suspected! Monday suxs!!!!

   Oh, the things I do for love...like lie to the police concerning my whereabouts the night of August 4th...

   No matter how much you shake & dance, the last few drop fall in your pants