Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When a married couple stops having sex, at first they complain about it...but after awhile y'all get used to it. She walks out of the shower and you don't even look...because you know there is nothing there for you.

   And now Keith Richards coughs on the Olympic cauldron... snuffing it.. forever.

   Oasis? Spice Girls? Fatboy Slim? I think the music director for the Olympics closing ceremony got ahold of my MP3 player from when I was in college 11 years ago.

   I was just reading the obituaries there a some good houses coming on the market soon

   If it wasn't for Yahoo Answers, there's no way I could know this numb black foot was just a headache.

   I really can't walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.

   Can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears® shampoo.

   Sometimes pretending to be busy takes more effort than being busy.

   You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.

   It's really very simple; I will love you unconditionally as long as you just do everything I say.

   Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

   It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.

   China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

   Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from a egg plant. I'm going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.

   Black guys and white guys never have more in common than when they're being yelled at in public by their girlfriends.

   I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

   If I ever make a list of dumb things I have done my ex would be right on top.

   I'm not worried about God judging me. He's too busy judging the rest of you b@stards.

   Watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.