Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered that I just washed my wallet.....

   This world is in bad shape. Education would be nice or maybe just learning to spell before you put your thought into the public forum.......What the hell is a "ceeling fan"?

   How come i'm your best friend all of a sudden when you need money? but you dont remember when I needed a ride?

   Olympic Medals: U.S.-104 Great Britain- 64 So much for us "Fat Americans"!!! United States Rock!!!

   shhhh.. i'm waiting behind the door. gonna blindside monday with a swift kick in nuggets.

   Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.

   Please spare me the agony of listening to your relationship problems if you always end up with the same idiot.

   All I really need are two things: a lighter, and five minutes of being unsupervised.

   I value your opinion as long as you don't offer it

   “I vant to suck your hemoglobin.” -Count Dorkula

   I'd rather sink in my ephemeral dreams than float in your eternally absurd reality.

   Moses sent me an email from his new tablet, with ten attachments.

   Renault and Ford are coming out with a new car. It's a combo of the Clio and Taurus. It's called the Clitaurus. It comes in pink and male thieves won't be able to find it even if someone tells them where it is!!!!

   I'd say popping your trunk to release 10,000 butterflies is the most magical way to elude the cops.

   My healthcare policy basically only covers taking off my shoe to twist my sock around a little bit so the seam isn't right under my toe

   The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.

   I do not, and never will, know my confirmation number.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.

   Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.

   Just face it. Comparing England to America is like comparing the WNBA to the NBA…