Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the 50 tweets I p0sted in the last hour?

   Do midget farts smell half as bad?

   A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze.

   Dear Public Restrooms, Please loosen the spindle for your TP. NOONE likes wiping their a$$ with a handful of confetti! Sincerely, Gotta Poop!

   Every night for almost two weeks I have tuned in to watch the XXX Summer Olympic Games and I must say that I'm disappointed. I have yet to see anything that should be rated R let alone XXX.

   So I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex. She told me she had been having sex with an A-Hole for years.

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

   What is the Beach Boys song Kokomo about?

   Trying to take something out of the oven without burning myself is like playing adult Operation.

   Why doesn't Mitt's wife want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house

   You ever get that feeling the case of beer is gonna rip and cans go everywhere? Well that just happened to me..

   It's amazing what a little paint will do. Women's faces have know this for years.

   Screw Olmpic soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 mins I'd go watch old security tapes of me sitting at the bar.

   I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I'd be behind her all the way

   I think I'm going to sell everyone else out,,, And be the farmer supplying Life with all these lemons everyone's talking about.

   I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.

   Remember me? I was your friend when you were single.

   Looking at your textbooks and thinking, "What a waste of a tree".

   That depressing moment when you're bored of every song on your phone.

   Dear CNN, Thankyou for putting Gu Kailal as Top news today-Syria