Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The best times of my life were spent either blowing bubbles or playing with titties…

   Now I see why the Jamacia's flag is Green,yellow and black.. It's the color bananas go........

   News: German diver receives a 0.0 score. Apparently, Olympic judges don't appreciate cannon balls.

   This Ethiopian Athlete can totaly beat Usain Bolt in a sprint race if you put food on the finish line..

   My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

   "Where were you,, on the night of November-to-April?" - Alaskan Prosecutor.

   Nothing more awkward then being 10 minutes into a porno and realizing there's no girls in it...

   feeling like it might be a randy travis kind of weekend...

   Notice you don't hear about,"Kony" anymore? Glad everyone cared for like, five minutes.

   Got a shopping cart without a f*up wheel. Ballin!!!

   Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.

   dont act like you've never passed out in the middle of the street in roller blades

   Lost my brain.. If you find it please dont contact me. I am Happy!!

   tried ziplining last night. absolutely amazing. what's even more amazing is the fact I still had clean underwear when it was over.

   Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Samuel Adams and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.

   I wish I loved anything as much as people in yogurt commercials love eating yogurt.

   In a bizarre turn of events, erectile dysfunction cases are on the rise.

   after watching final destination....if a lighter falls down , i'm like " OMG...NOW THE LIGHTER'S GONNA SET THE ENTIRE HOUSE ON FIRE 'CUZ THE GAS IS LEAKING SUMHOW AND ALL MY EXITS ARE LOCKED !!!!.."....

   Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say...."Jake, from State Farm!"

   Dating was never my strong point because I've always been really good at getting laid.