Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Bruh, if she's still driving around in a car that's full of Hellokitty apparel, then she's too young for you !!

   No wonder, the Chinese took the medal in Table Tennis in the olympics....their use to seeing small balls going back n forth.

   Can't wait to buy Randy Travis's new album "Down and Loaded"with the hit single "Pants On The Ground"

   I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

   Let's observe a moment of silence for all the black women who don't have a Q or an apostrophe in their first name.

   I could never find it in my heart to kill another person, but I've entertained the thought of dancing on a grave or two.

   a guy at work has the whispering skills of Samuel L. Jackson.

   Nobody at work will play bloody knuckles with me. I swear we've raised a nation of pansies. Now where's my latte and hot rock masseuse?

   The Divorce Judge told me I had to give my ex-wfie a vehicle, so I just Fed-Ex'd her an old broom...

   Things happen for no reason. This is why people invent gods.

   You never really know somebody till they catch you winking at their fiancèe

   I love wanking in the shower but I've been told that if I do it again, they're gonna revoke my gym membership.

   I've been desperate, but never "I'm all out of bullets so I'll throw the gun at you" desperate.

   "Does this suicide bomb vest make me look fat?" ~ G@y Terrorist.

   I'm not sure I did myself any favours when I shouted "Take it like a man!" during an@l sex with my girlfriend last night.

   "Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."

   Ladies, that guy you hate is now doing some chick that will take every cent he has if that makes you feel better.

   Katy Perry rebounding from Russell Brand with John Mayer is like washing your mouth out with cat p!ss.

   Some feelings are hard to express, you just feel them.

   Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it happened during a tragic accident. Regardless, stop staring, it's rude.