Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Lots of woman stay in relationships just to have somebody around to kill spiders and open jars.

   To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is.

   Just took a sh!t in an envelope and sent it to Nicolas Cage. I think it'll be his best script yet.

   Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

   If sex burns a lot of calories as the experts say, then Rick Ross must be a virgin.

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember; you're the sperm that won.

   it appears as if Randy Travis has a major problem with alcohol... drunk, naked and threatened to kill the officers that arrested him last night for DUI... and a public intox. last Feb.? Wait, is he in the NBA or NFL???

   I don't speak Brazilian, but my tongue knows its way around it.

   76 Chinese Medals... imprint on back ....Made in China... Coincidence...I think NOT!

   SPOILER ALERT!!! Wish the Milk in my refrigerator had that on it

   How come tragic events never seem to happen to groups of clowns?

   Usain Bolt should be an unlockable character on Temple Run.

   Oh my!! I just witnessed Napoleon Complex at its best. This guy in a lil' 4 cylinder Prius with a loud ass muffler just stole everyone's attention.

   doesn't want to die, but if I have to, I hope to die in a way so spectacular they name a new piece of protective legislation after me.

   As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!

   They say a a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.

   If Facebook has proved ANYTHING, it's that the love of your life is someone you've never actually met.

   I don't run often, but when I do, it's with arms and fingers completely straight, super-cool gymnast style.

   Sometimes “I'm single” means “I'm drama free”, “less stressed” and “I refuse to settle for less.”

   Stop looking at your phone, he hasn't texted or called. But that's okay because he doesn't deserve a girl like you anyways.