Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   NASA announces rover "Curiosity" landed safely on Mars. In a related story, Martians are reportedly furious over the death of their cat...vow revenge.

   Decided to spend my entire day alone in the car. Or as she calls it "shopping "

   Bought my first Bluetooth last night at a gas station. Haven't used it yet but it works great. I leave it in and people no longer look at me like I'm nuts when I talk to myself.....

   It's good to see Peyton Manning doing what he does best - pretending he drives a Buick.

   I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.

   I gave $10 to our local Little League team, just to be called an "Athletic Supporter"

   Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   We're all like corn.... Just passing through

   Guess who has two thumbs and is high off bath salt… sh!t where are my fu cking thumbs…

   Pull your skirt down, sweetie. Your daddy issues are showing.

   "I'll eat your kids for breakfast!" - me talking to a chicken.

   I'm so blessed not to have you in my life.

   Dear Religion, While you were debating what chicken sandwiches were okay to eat, I just landed on Mars. Sincerely, Your Pal Science

   If I'm napping in my car, don't wake me up unless I'm driving

   I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

   My morning glory is lots of coffee and nobody contacting me before noon.

   Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.

   If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!

   Instead of stressing, whining and crying over him, use that energy to get over him.