Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Do you know what I hate about this country?...Larry the Cable Guy.

   Guys before you start thinking lesser of yourselves and thinking women are to be worshiped remember that without your rib she wouldn't exist.

   The PAST is real easy to bring into the FUTURE, the real challenge is keeping the past PAST!!

   You know you're getting old, when you pull a non-existent abdominal muscle playing Wii golf…

   Some of these actors are so good at playing the bad guy role that when I see them in real life, I just want to punch them in the throat.

   So orphans only have 9 commandments to deal with?

   My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously.

   The big twist at the end of our lives,, Is that Pluto really was a planet the WHOLE TIME...

   I like women, but not twitter women. (they have pen!ses)

   Just deleted and blocked the Pope. I don't need him reading my sh!t.

   At restaurants, I'm asked what I want but when I sit & cry for hours, I'm asked to leave. It's like they don't even care that I want.

   I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying "we OWN you!" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!

   I just took a poop so black, I sent an instagram of it to Kim Kardashian and she asked what team it plays for

   We threw the body in the river. Then he just shrugged and asked if I ordered pizza yet. That's when I knew we were best friends.

   Preferred sexual position depends on your partner's breath; therefore, doggie remains the favorite for morning sex.

   I feel bad for deaf people until I remember Justin Bierber.

   Ladies, please. Get a hold of yourselves. There's enough of me to disappoint all of you.

   I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.

   If these were Biblical times, instead of flogging Jesus they woulda forced him to watch "Jersey Shore" in it's entirety

   I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way