Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A week in to the Olympics and finally something to cheer about. A female athlete with boobs visible to the naked eye.

   I'm 14-0 in fights vs. the elderly

   If my balls get any sweatier, they'll start wearing a poncho and speaking Spanish

   Someone cut this gloryhole too big, I can see this guys mustache and it's really throwing my fantasy off

   There are few guarantees in life but if you see a grown man riding a bmx, he knows where to score some meth

   Nothing gives me greater joy than telling the IT guy that my password is "password"

   So what your saying Chick-Fil-A, you will not be sponsoring Men's Olympic Racewalking.

   The tupac hologram at coachella was so realistic, it's already not paying child support for two children

   My toddler just grabbed a slice of pizza, folded it like a pro, and took a bite. It was like watching a paternity test come back positive.

   The key to a relationship is both of you staring silently at your phones as the emotionless fog ushers you into the cold embrace of death.

   Be a deer and stand in the middle of the road for me, would you?

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Sometime's I put lipstick on my own collar Just so I can get the silent treatment

   Her: Do You know how much I love you? Me: how much? Her: This much *spreads legs*

   Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too...

   Why does it seem only ugly, fat or old chicks hit on me when I go out to the local watering hole?

   Him to friends: I banged her like a porn star, she probably won't walk for a week. Her: I'm not even sure he was in me the entire time

   I have this arrangement where people leave me alone and then I let them live.

   I once won an argument with a woman…in this dream I had.

   I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn't raise me right. But we all know she'll smile about it in the ladies room.