Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poisonous.

   I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed

   Dear douch%bag on the street corner yelling that he has more "swag" than anyone else in this city, do please tell me what store accepts "swag".

   Did you know that you can quietly be a republican, democrat or liberal?

   it true that ADHD came from some bored guy that screwed a monkey from the 70's?

   Running up to him yelling, "I NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING!" is probably a good way to get Steve Perry to sh*t his pants.

   OLYMPIC GYMNAST 2012: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting socks

   I hate when I accidently run my hand over a piece of gum stuck under a desk!

   Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

   I went to confession and told the priest I had impure thoughts about other religions.

   Actually, I WOULD wish that on my worse enemy.

   In the dark, it takes several minutes to find the hole and stick it in. Stupid phone charger.

   A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year.

   True Freedom: Taking a dump with the door open.

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   YOLO backwards is OLOY, "Only Losers Obey Yolo"

   Shout out to all the 90's baby's, with no babies!

   "the govt doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs

   Was thinking about giving a f*ck today but... f*cks just don't grow on trees, you know!

   Considering my balance, my credit card has the best theft detection ever. It just says declined no matter what you try to buy.