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Husband: Let's try a different position tonight. Wife: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. 
They say love is more important than money. B!tch, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?!
Am I the only one who thinks this Adalia Rose Bullsh!t needs to end?
I bet one of these powerful Olympic women could sit on my face & suck out my fillings with one Kegel....Unnhmmm Hope Solo.
It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."
Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.
Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
Teacher: Get out a sheet of paper. Student: LOOK AT ME NOW! Teacher: Excuse me? Student: I'm GETTIN' PAPERRRR!
Dad: A bird told me you are doing drugs... Boy: You're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?!
There's no better feeling than proving someone wrong.
sometimes when I'm bored I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb..
The people who wear Bluetooth headsets always look like the people least likely to ever receive phone calls.
Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.
Some people dream of success, others are awake & work hard at it.
Sunglasses were invented so you can stare at me while you're with your girlfriend.
The women's US gymnastics team is awesome! I have never seen more beautiful floor exercises, high bars or labia majora in my life.
A famous rapper got high and did something stupid? Well now I've seen everything.
I'm bored. Let's see, I'll take a pic of me with my dog, then tag it with 97 facebook friends, then watch 'em go cuckoo.
Three reasons to stand up: 1. To get the remote 2. To go to the bathroom 3. Because you're the real slim shady
There is a US volleyball player named Destiny Hooker. Apparently her parents were wrong.
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