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When life Knocks you down, calmly get up, smile, and say " You hit like a Bi&ch" 
Someone should invent padded underwear for men to get back at women for wearing pushup bras
Shopping for a minivan at a car show while you're married is like going to a strip club and looking at the DJ.
When someone puts you on the backburner, kick them the f*&^ outta the kitchen!
After today, it looks like the only chance Michael Phelps has at seeing gold is pissing in the pool.
I wasnt planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!
A state hghway dept crew reached their jobsite and realized they forgot all the shovels! The foreman radioed the office and informed them of the situation. The suprvsr responded 'Dont worry we'll send the shovels just lean on eachother until they arrive!!
Every morning you have two choices: be productive and really shine, OR pour some coffee, log inn and start posting. Hello, darlings.
In honor of Michael Phelps 4th place finish, I'm firing up the bong.......
we need to get swag on mythbusters to see if it will pay the bills
Just listened to Call Me Maybe for the first and last time.
I am a dandy in the ghetto with a snow white smile
i dont give hand jobs because I have a v@gina.
Why the hell would you hire me at this waxing salon if I can't dress up as Zorro and shape a "Z" into everyone's pubes?
I'm kinda tired of you but in a possessive way.
it so wrong to bang on your neighbour's door at 2am and ask them to reset their modem?
You call it Russian Roulette, I call it waking up on Monday.
Major blackout in India....looks like everybody who needs tech support is screwed.
coyote ugly does not begin to describe what happened to me last night. The people I do for a Klondike Bar
You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower
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