Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My girlfriends yelling at me for being "controlling." Funny thing is I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

   Thanks Iron Chef America. Ever since hot dogs were the secret ingredient my husband thinks he's Bobby effing Flay…

   You call it Russian Roulette I call it coming home from work every day.

   Feeling so old, the only thing I'm exercising is caution.

   The lingerie store at the mall has a buy 2 get the 3rd free sale, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.

   Hey evolution, how about a second liver?

   No joke, if I win the lottery I'm buying a full tank of gas!

   turns out I don't know the back of my hand as well as I thought I did.

   Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance! *this fb status had been approved and paid for by Alcohol

   I got in trouble at the movie theaters for putting a 'wet floor' sign infront of the door to"Magic Mike"

   If my posts DON'T much make sense,,, Well that's because I'm an idiot.... And If my posts DO make any sense,,, Well that's because you're an idiot...

   Hey girls, Please stop stabbing each other in the back. You're giving real women a bad name.

   A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walk into a bar. And the bartender says "Hi Mitt!"

   Women will cost you more money than a drug habit, business adventure ect.....matter of fact the reason the v@gina is shaped that way is so you can swipe your credit card thru and be done with it!!

   Before you make your birthday wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of the English language. Unrelated- would anyone wanna purchase a massive rooster, a bunch if wet Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey.

   too lazy to inform everyone that I am cleaning my friend list, so feel free to unfriend yourselves.

   Hey,,,If you watch that last episode of Cops backwards, they uncuff my Dad, let him drive off recklessly, chase him, then give up..

   When does the Brazilian Pole Dancing Team come on?

   Remember,,, Great sex is one involuntary fart away from being funny sex

   A Socialist, a Marxist and a Communist walk into a bar. And the bartender says "Hi Barack!!!"