Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   All my life I've wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Every week almost 30 people die from FDA approved drugs while Marijuana remains illegal with 0 deaths.

   Unless someone want's to share, I'm staying single because all the good ones have been taken.

   I was an Athlete in school. I Dreamt of running in the Olympics one day! Now, I dream of just getting my fat a$$ off the couch!!!

   My amazing existence should qualify as a community service.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was not that great.. The guy who invented the other three now he's a GENIUS!

   My kids are so disciplined they spank themselves. Though I think one of them is starting to do it even when he's not in trouble.

   I've been asking God to send me my soulmate. Either he's not listening or we've got very different ideas on how she should look.

   If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job wuld just come available I'll get it!!!''

   I hate when I mistake my finger for a fry.

   I was outback chopping ome wood with my ''ask'' and this woman walked up and ''axed'' me a question!!!

   Drove by an automated speed sign, it said "SLOW DOWN! YOUR SPEED IS 45MPH" It was right next the sign that said "Speed Limit 45 MPH".

   Attorney General Eric Holder will take away all your guns!........ Mexican Drug Cartel ''That;s where I got mine!!!''

   When you're an Olympic-size slut, every day is an opening ceremony.

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   Just once I'd like to break out in song and not be "removed from the premises" and "warned for the last time".

   At what point during a one-night stand can you invite him to meet your parents?

   Every Bond movie is like a porno that never happens.

   Girls who are easy on the eyes are usually hard on the balls and wallet.