Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   I thought of quitting smoking. But all those smoke rings I make from cigarette puffs are so adorable!

   What if Pitbull hasn't really slept with all those girls and he is just bragging?

   I have a feeling that If I were to be sorted by the sorting hat at hogwarts, I'd be directly sent to the kitchens to work with the house elves.

   Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night. -_-

   I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.

   My girlfriend spends every night in town, going into bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.

   If it wasn't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

   it poontang or punetang? Need to know fast, I'm writing a sympathy card.

   Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!

   I wonder if a Jedi can do a Jedi mind trick on himself to over-come a phobia.

   There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

   Bad Gun! Bad Gun!....Shame on you for making criminals do those bad things!.......And then those Forks that are making me Fat!!!

   One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line infront of me with the food stamps!!!

   Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison

   Dear God, when I said six figure salary, I didn't mean only zeros.

   Freckles are marks for every time you disappoint Jesus

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.

   I really hope somewhere there's a dentist whose slogan is "We'll fill your cavities. And maybe later we'll even work on your teeth!"

   "Listen to the sound of my voice...you're getting very sleepy...the economy is great...I alone fixed it...you will vote for me...on the count of 3 wake up" - Obama