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These pills will make you stop being a crazy B*tch...You should take one. 
I'm sorry I hurt your felling when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
They say, "You are what you eat" That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning.
I hope you step on a lego!
Karma takes too long. I'd rather beat the sh*t out you now.
My buddy ordered some Olympic condoms online - he told his wife he wanted to wear a gold one, but his wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change.
Relax........Let's get back to the important things in life! Like stealing eachothers status!
Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Foursquare asks where I am. The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.
So I just saw a church sign that said "Why pay for GPS, Jesus gives guidance for free." Do you think Best Buy would match that?
When Mitt becomes President put this as your status...MITT HAPPENS.
Alcohol is the worst thing in the world... My friend had a lot last night and ended up saying - "I love you" to his Own Wife !!!
FML! Met this hot guy at a bar last night.... All I can say is they weren't magically delicious.
I wonder if you carpeted the sidewalks to cover all the cracks, if that would save all the mothers out there from paralyzation.
A new poll found 44 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track, and the rest think JFK is still president.
This status sucks!
Ladies be careful, some of these guys don't want to get into your pants, they want to wear them.
Dear Woman who is wearing jeans with a huge hole near the crotch. Yes I understand that is fashionable, just not in the office…. unless you are smoking hot…
Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.
Happy National Tequila Day! And tomorrow, enjoy National Hangover Day?!?!
How did flying babies in diapers wielding Bow & Arrows ever become a symbol of love?!!!
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