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Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow. 
That moment you realise you're a result of sex.
My Mothers MENU had only two items: 1: Eat it or 2: Leave it.
If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material.
Does your a** never get jealous of the s**t that comes out of your mouth?
For sale one air bass guitar, never played. One air drum set only played on Phil Colin's in the air tonight..... Lol
n't the term "politically correct" an oxymoron?
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"
A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."
There is a new scale that tells your weight about 50 lbs less..Its in an APP...for your phone.. Dont beleive me? Step on it and you will see !
They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically calls in sick for me.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."
If I ever had enough money... I would start up my own towing company... and call it "Camel Towing"!
Lemme get this straight. You were just on transit in England for 2 days and now you have a British accent!! Quite the bafoonery.
The only time to diet is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.
You can't say happiness without saying penis. Coincidence ? I think NOT...
My girlfriend asked me if could help her with her math homework. It confused the shit out of me, mainly because I didn't know my hand talked
I don't remember what I got arrested for but I do remember the female cop complimenting my buns of steel.
I hate when I'm spending a quiet night with my girlyfriend and the cops ruin it by arresting me for home invasion, false imprisonment, kidnapping and harassment.
May the best drugs win..... London2012
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