Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I talk to an imaginary live studio audience when I'm making dinner.

   If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug.

   I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

   Your wife included! She enjoys it the most!

   A cure has been found for homosexuality. Lip balm - you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.

   Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."

   The reason folks who don't work @ Walmart know the deficit was 11 trillion in 2007 is because they graduated from high school and their sister in-wife isn't also their mother.

   Thank you so much for waking me up at 7.30 this morning with your text informing me that I may be entitled to compensation for that car accident I had. That must be the one where I lost all memory of the whole day. Just send me a cheque and let me sleep i

   Last night I watched a TV show about burritos spinning in a circle for 2 hours before I realized I was really high & staring at my microwave

   My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend,,,, that's all you need to know.

   BTW,,,,,I'm wearing my Asshat crooked today

   Boy, the "Chiller" channel has dropped the ball this afternoon. It's showing a movie titled "Midnight Movie" where a deranged killer stalks movie patrons.

   Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Therefore, I am a potato.

   "Final Destination 5"... well someone doesn't understand the meaning of 'Final'.

   How come when your wife is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but no one rubs your balls and says, "good job"?

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich... I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   James Holmes was able to legally buy 6000 rounds of ammo online, and Tommy Chong was put in jail for selling bongs.

   A teenager's brain is 80% song lyrics.

   Obama this, Bush that... How about if you're still unemployed after 3+ years you might just be a loser?

   If my life was a movie, you would be here by now.