Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A few years ago while I was on vacation, on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses."

   Flirting is dangerous business. One wrong move and you're committed.

   Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.

   My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.

   Silly phone, that wasn't a missed call. That was a “I looked and saw who it was and pressed ignore” call.

   Lazy rule. As soon as I get under the blanket covers, all of today's responsibilities, become tomorrow's problem.

   Mike Tyson has beat every opponent he's ever faced but the letter S

   I like my women like I like my coffee, sent back for not being hot enough…

   I am going to open a breakfast restaurant that only serves egg white omelets, and only plays John Lennon music and I will call it “Yoke O No”

   "Why Do We Fall, Master Wayne...?" - Alfred

   Ok, I know all of you have been sitting on the edge of your seats today waiting for this news....... I had Domino's pizza for dinner.... Don't be hatin! Sometimes ya gotta spoil yourself.

   I hate when people say, " I gotta get my body right for the summer" I mean That's great and all, but who is going to fix your face?

   Went to the movies in costume tonight just to find out that they were sold out! Felt a little out of place dressed as Batman sitting through the Katy Perry movie.

   Let's be honest. She does NOT got Betty Davis eyes. She's on drugs.

   Bill the serial flasher was thinking of retiring, but he's decided he's gonna stick it out for another year.

   Just got this text message, not sure if it's spam:"Congratulations! You have won A £50 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   I would love to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

   Michael Vick announced that he is probably going to get another Dog soon! Dogs now are like ''Meow!''

   Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

   I've been struggling with my laziness. I can't decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.