Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   In a perfect relationship, the only fight you have is about who gets to sleep on the wet spot.

   Sometimes being friend-zoned is just like dodging a bullet. Its for your own good.

   My ex texted me: I Miss You... So I replied: We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a f*ck

   You know I have friend-zoned you when I call you "Sister" and we are not even related.

   I would like to cordially invite you all to shut up concerning what you do not know.

   Why do women get so annoyed when you ask them about their periods? If I was bleeding out of my d!ck, I'd totally want to talk about it.

   If you were a real man your girl wouldn't be running to the store for batteries at midnight.

   I would rather smack a piñata filled with diarrhea than go down on a Kardashian.

   She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up.

   Love is: doing it in random spots all over the house so no one has to sleep in the wet spot.

   You guys haven't lived until your forced against your own will through a v@gina head first completely naked while your dad cuts your cord.

   You're dead until you prove otherwise.

   Writing a poem for my ex. What rhymes with 'I think I got herpes from your sister'?

   if you're not a bowl, joint, blunt, bong or nipple, I have no idea how to suck you.

   The one thing I can guarantee after we have sex is I'm always satisfied.

   on a ship of fools in a sea of diarrhea looking for that Island of reality

   My kids don't like when I drink, but if it wasn't for alcohol, they wouldn't even be here.

   Vacation's over. Downside? Fewer status messages for you. Upside? Less me.

   Been looking on Craigslist all day for a pirate ship

   It's embarrassing when I get caught dressing one of you with my eyes.